Starscream's Rant
by Deepclaw
Summary: G1: Here's a condensed version of Starscream's infamous rant most smart people skip and most Decepticons wish they could skip, put into a kind of short story format ::with reference to possible future sequels:: .


Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers or its characters. That all belongs to...Hasbro? Takara? Whoever. Just not me. I just like to like them.

(((A/N: Well here's my first fanfic on . I noticed while reading various TF fanfics, many authors skip over Starscream's infamous "rant." So i decidied to write out a short version f exactly he layout of his rant-- cuz we all know he can go on for hours.- This was very fun to write because Starscream seems the type to add new material everytime allowing for a degree of humor until he says the wrong thing and well, gets thrown into the wall. I didn't think this when I wrote it but when I had my friends read it they said he sounded "prissy." Well... yeah I guess he does, but he always struck me as the type that can revert to "prissiness" if he's flabbergasted enough. So anyway, enjoy! Constructive criticism is welcome :) )))

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**Starscream's Rant**

Having finished his speech, Megatron dismissed his troops from the control room and hurried back into his commanding office and closed the door. He needed to add finishing details to his latest diabolical plan. Starscream was left, his jaw unhinged and hanging open, completely stunned by the grey mech's presentation. Soundwave, Rumble, and Frenzy made themselves busy with some uncovered cables in the floor that needed rewiring. The other cassettes were off wandering the base.

Starscream, now sputtering, stepped toward the tape deck, but hesitated and turned toward Megatron's door. He stopped and turned, once more, toward the exit, staring into empty space. Rumble and Frenzy exchanged bemused looks. _Here we go again, _they thought.

"What…a…_stupid_ idea!" Starscream exclaimed, now beginning to pace while he gestured with his hands.

"How does he think we will get out of there fast enough? _That fuel company is_ _within 100 miles of the Autobot base!_ How many times have we planned a surprise attack only to collide with Prime's tree hugging cronies- those horrible twins and that loudmouth Porsche – and that insane, halfwit scientist _Wheeljack_," he cringed, "I just _know_ he would dissect my wings if he ever got his hands on me!"

The cassettes would have rolled their eyes if they had any. They opted to sigh instead.

"And it's not like the Constructicons are completely reliable. This cloaking device hasn't been tested on a large scale. I mean, strapping the device to Rumble and Frenzy and having them run around the base pulling pranks is not a foolproof method to test new inventions! Not to mention the cassettes have cloaking devices already that are well used and we all know they work-"

He stopped his optics wide with realization, then faced the door and shook a fist.

"**A CLOAKING DEVICE **_**SOMEBODY **_**COULD HAVE TOLD THEM TO USE AS A REFERENCE!!" **He threw his hands in the air and went back to pacing. "_Now _we're about to rush headlong into a raid that is _supposed _to escape the Autobots' notice.

The Autobots always seem to know anyway. Humans are squishy, moronic bags of red goo with grey slop as cranial circuits but they're still capable of picking up a telephone and screaming in Optimus Prime's audio receptors at the first sign of any walking metal giants with a purple insignia- _which_ _we all plaster so incontrovertibly on our persons_! On top of that, those green and purple goons have failed before- they're _decent_ medics but order them to make something _other_ than a building and they're doomed to failure. Remember that satellite dish a few weeks ago? A simple _satellite_ dish to reestablish a clear connection to Cybertron! Lo and behold the red trigger happy rustbucket Ironhide flies in knocking three of the six bozos out, lays waste to the satellite, and rips my left intake valve from my shoulder! Now the Great _He_ expects us to pull off a quick 'heist.'" He paused.

"_What respectable Decepticon says 'heist' anyway!?_ That is a _human_ word if I've ever heard one! And hearing it from Megatron's vocaliser was just _embarrassing_ and-and- erggghhh," he shuddered violently, "weird and strangely disgusting. Did anyone _other_ than myself notice the way every mech in the room glanced in his direction when he said that?"

He turned to his audience, tapping his foot. Soundwave shook his head (one of the few variations of his silent responses to Starscream's tirades) while Rumble and Frenzy mumbled, "Well, I _kinda_ noticed," and "A _little_ bit." They knew these speeches well and anyone's role as an audience was to nod or shake the head vigorously in response to a question. To not do so was to invite a terrific showdown. The flyer was not as strong as Megatron, but he was devious, powerful, and vain enough to throw tremendous temper tantrums.

"Hmph. See? If _I _was leader things would be different. I'm faster than he could _ever _hope to be! That and _much_ smarter. I wouldn't use words like 'heist' or forge some plan without thinking it through."

At this the cassettes exchanged incredulous glances and even Soundwave had to pause.

"I would have perfect control over this army. None of this cloaking device nonsense. The Constructicons would stick to building schematics, repair bay, and combining on the battlefield. The Stunticons won't have races in the Cargo bay. Energon would be conserved efficiently. None of these silly reenactments of famous human events where every drunk mech on the ship hurls our precious energy into the sea."

The tape deck had to glance up at that one. Was the Seeker forgetting his part in the whole event? The overcharged Starscream not only rallied every other overcharged mech in the ship but jumped into the ocean from the elevation tower and tried to drink the dissipating and very salty energon as it floated away. And he wondered why he had salt residue coming out of every orifice and crack it could the next day.

"Every Transformer would have his personal quarters checked twice a month so no one gets away with hiding 10 nuclear missiles again. _How_ those things went unnoticed I _still_ don't understand."

Rumble smirked. He and Skywarp had smuggled them in using the black Seeker's teleportation abilities. As to how they went unnoticed, Rumble didn't understand either- Skywarp's quarters were frequented by the other Seekers all the time- including Starscream.

Said Seeker stared in their direction now, a thoughtful frown on his face.

"…and your cassettes…would most certainly not pull so many pranks. No running up and down the hallways straining their vocalisers screaming 'bloody murder'- whatever that means- when everyone's trying to recharge. No painting the Combaticons bright pink and posting pictures on all the telecast channels in the ship. No setting up a makeshift camp in the middle of the recreation room claiming Megatron has announced it a 'national park.' No duping Decepticon warriors into watching those sappy human soap operas- the themes from 'Days of Our Lives' and 'The OC' haunt my every waking moment now. No more smuggling wildlife into the spacebridge to see if you can manage to hit Shockwave with a live squirrel….Sweet, blissful silence."

Once again he paced, faster now. The cassettes and their creator returned to their work all thinking the same thing, '_As if _that _will ever happen.'_

"Speaking of Shockwave, that lousy purple scrapheap hasn't reported in three weeks. _Three weeks!_ Doesn't he think we would like to be _informed_ of the latest spacebridge connection or if the Autobots on Cybertron have been destroyed yet? That lout is always on about logic and what is logical and how _powerful_ Megatron is. Isn't it logical to send a report once in a while? To think about how His Mighty Exalted Eminence and his troops are holding up on a mudball twirling around in the slums of space? To record, collect, and worship _every_ _command_ that has ever been issued by His Supreme Leader, even if it means he has to talk to _me_ to get his orders? He's is lucky I even take the time out of my life to even _think_ about answering his broadcasted calls. It is an _honor_ to speak with the Air Commander of the Decepticon Battle Fleet but he blows me off and _insists _he talk to Megatron right away because a raid on his personal supply of energon is of great urgency or whatever! _He even talks back to me_!"

Starscream's tone was now dripping and drooling with caustic sarcasm.

"That Monitor should not keep Megatron waiting. The Great Slag Maker's ego is slowly deflating. _Someone_ should reinstate their _undying_ loyalty to him quickly or he might _die_, he's so starved for _attention._ He's like a- a _balloon_ without _air! _Primus knows his CPU is like a balloon without air."

Starscream was now so into his spiel he didn't notice Megatron's door hiss open. Rumble and Frenzy ducked their heads, half smirking and half cringing.

"_Oh really?_" Megatron growled.

Starscream's engines hiccupped and he slowy turned to face a very angry empty balloon.


End file.
